Friday, November 28, 2008

Snark Attack!

At first,I hadn't seen anything funny about this picture, though I did notice what I perceived to be a melancholic, far-away look in her eyes--a false smile, beneath eyes that seemed poised to surrender to tears. I was touched, for a moment, and reconsidered my heartless, Ricklesian hobby of internet mockery. And I had clicked past this one until I realized that, when this photo was taken. this chick was already halfway through an entire pitcher of booze.
I'd have had a far-away look, too.

This is not "stripperobics". She is the world's stupidest fireman. And now she's paralyzed.

"------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ very good "
"Very good"? Did we pass some sort of test? Not being attracted to you? What do we win?

"I love to exercise and be active and hope to find someone who values this as i do."
What a polite way to say "no fatties".

"am just a simple girl and am looking the better part of me "
Her "Better part"? Judging by the musculature on this particular woman, that would be her penis.

CMI: Twilight

"...with ranch dressing and a diet Coke. So what are you having, Edward?"
"Yeah, I don't think you understand the concept of 'vampire' yet."

"The film adaptation of Twilight isn't nearly... bad."
Tim Brayton
Antagony & Ecstasy

"Is it worth seeing? Is it any good? Does it matter what's written or said? The answer is... certainly."
Wilson Morales

"OMG -- I'm so totally... a teenage girl."
Kevin Williamson
Jam! Movies

"It's like an actual grownup movie, all serious and important."
MaryAnn Johanson
Flick Filosopher

"[A]lso... balls."
Pete Vonder Haar
Film Threat

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

CMI: Eagle Eye

"Uh, no, we were just... Okay... Yeah, I got it, I... Oh wait, what? ... Really? ... But it smells so bad and there's all this hair... No, all over... And you still want me to--? ... With my mouth?! ... *sigh* All right... No, it's okay... Love you, too. Bye."

"Eagle Eye promises to blow your mind..., but my mind was already blown."

"I actually feel a little dirty... about this one. "

"The Amish would love it[!]"

"Should this film be a huge box office success, it will stand as a... testament to how... the bar for cinematic entertainment has been set."

"I was waiting for Will Smith to pop up."

"The fever-pitch paranoia of this terrorist thriller, the seizure-inducing editing, the dense layers slapped on a fairly simple plot all point to... money."

"[I]t is like being in a blender."

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

CMI: Babylon A.D.

Future's so bleak I gotta wear shades.

"[B]iblical proportions."

"I found myself sorta not hating it[.]"

"Babylon A.D. isn't the worst big-budget sci-fi film ever made[.]"

"[N]ever less than watchable[!]"

"Babylon A.D. is a... sci-fi melodrama... of excitement or intelligence[.]"

"You know what? I like Vin Diesel."

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

CMI: The Rocker

Why so serious?

"[T]he audience and the cast... deserve... the movie[.]"

"It sort of gurgles[.]"

"A wealth of creative talent can't alter the fact that Rocker is ... fun[.]"

"[H]ow... it rips[!]"

Detroit News
"[T]his is essentially a film[.]"

Friday, August 15, 2008

Snark Attack! - Canadian Coeds

Beer in one hand... and the less said about the other hand, the better.

...on the inside.


"Hi, my name is Doug..."
'...and you will never find me.'

CMI: Clone Wars

Of course, with his aim, he'll end up impregnating Yoda.

"George Lucas is turning into... fun."
Entertainment Weekly

"[T]here are... almost... performances, some tin... and a few moments of corn[.]"
Deseret News, Salt Lake City

"There's still plenty of fun to be had...[;] it never escapes.... So long as you don't approach it..., you'll stand a better chance of enjoying it."
Channel 4 Film

"Ziro is the most.... He’s also the best[.]"
Time Out

"George Lucas' desire to suck... has led to a roaring... afterthought."

"[T]he finest.... underpants released this[.]"

Thursday, July 24, 2008

CMI: Mamma Mia!

"So let me get this straight: We've ALL boned Meryl Streep's character? Even the kid? Even the half-black guy in the all-bad suit? EVEN COLIN FIRTH?!"

"There might not be anything as utterly... fun[.]"

"[I]t's kind of an impressive mess."

"The costumes look..., the choreography is..., and the cinematography's... real[.]"

"The year's most aggressive chick[s]... score... irresistibly.... [L]ike peaches in cottage cheese. "

"I honestly wanted to be a 'Dancing Queen'."

"[L]ike cotton candy, unsubstantial, brightly colored, way too sweet, and ultimately... meaningful.... Plus it might just make you just[.]"

"Haritomeno kai akros diaskedastiko panigyri elahistopoiimenis kinimatografikotitas, me aboli skinothesia periorismenis horografikis kai allis dimioyrgikotitas, se koyrastika kleisto optiko pedio (logiko, gia na pantreyontai to miso stoyntiako plastiko yli."

Friday, July 4, 2008

World's Most Accurate Search Engine!

I only cropped it. No other Photoshopping has been done.

Someone in the Charleston County Public Library System must have a sense of humor. They'll need it, since they certainly don't have a job, anymore.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

CMI: Get Smart

Crap, the movie found us.

" amalgam of slapstick comedy, ...romance and, most desperately, rampaging action."

"There are numerous airplane stunt sequences, explosions and gunfights...(that) fatally bleed the character[s]...."

"Combining dull action-movie elements, badly cast movie stars and an uncomfortable romance, Get Smart has... all... its TV roots and most of the humor. "

Get Smart
[is] funny. And the action scenes [are] thrilling enough to make up for the [certainly, not the word 'lack'] of laughter."

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

CMI: Sex And The City

The critics may not know art, but they know what they like: Sex.
Also, the city.
And the television show and movie Sex And The City!

He's the "Sex".

"I spent most of the film's 148 minutes just wanting to [...] these women."

"I walked into the theatre hoping for a nice evening and came out[.]"

"[F]eels like watching... shoe love[.]"

Sunday, June 8, 2008

CMI: Don't Mess With The Zohan

Slight formatting change! Easier to read? No? Who cares? It's easier to compile.

I don't know what's going on here. Some sort of Jew shot put, apparently.

"Judd Apatow continues his quest to... comedy... through it."

"[I]t really isn't stupid..."
Film School Rejects

"[O]ther ideas...were rejected in favor of this one, on the grounds of being too lame."
Seattle Times

"Flabby,... thinly-covered penises[.]"

"There are almost enough... oversized penis[es]."
Philadelphia Weekly

"[T]he movie... exists only to display the Sandler's [deliciously lickable] biceps."

"A 2-hour opus of sex, sex, sex, sex, sex and more sex."

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

CMI: What Happens In Vegas

Another CMI - finally. When I started it I kinda thought there'd be a never-ending supply of crappy movies, but only recently has this one garenered enough ire to present a full slate of heavily edited humor. CMI Presents: What Happens In Vegas.

So... it's a vampire movie?

"What Happens in Vegas... is... very likely in living memory."

"...[T]his film often seems improvised, and... in a good way.... [S]ome jokes... get set up at all."

"[S]everal gags are built around the name 'Dick Banger'."

"I didn't want to claw my eyes out[.]"

[I]t... seem sophisticated by comparison."

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Snark Attack!

I'm an altruistic, spiritual, friendly, warm, smiling and - the most important - very dishonest girl.
At least she's honest about that. I think.

F**k Dane Cook. This chick just gave the entire internet the real Super-Finger.
Actually, you know what? Scratch that last bit. Just f**k Dane Cook.

A self-described "filthy" Jew from the land of Borat (which probably explains her low self-esteem, given the Jew-Killing Festivals shown in that scrupulously truthful docudrama)
I once fell off a bus. And a boat. This is not cool. But I think i'm awesome! love you bitch!
No, this isn't cool. Not cool at all.

I'm not saying anything. Make the comparison for yourself.
One of them is Edna Mode. I have no idea which anymore.

now in my thirties. If you care,please do not hesitate to talk to me.
...Before it's too late?

Sunday, April 20, 2008

CMI: 88 Minutes

Shut the damn door! I'm on the john, here, you fockin' cocka-roach! HOO-AH!

"88 Minutes" is one of those thrillers in which characters seem to run all over the place and talk a lot on cell phones."

Joshua Tyler, dithers,
"It's a... movie... worth reviewing let alone seeing."

"The...writing, directing, editing, acting, continuity, makeup and cinematography, for starter[s]... are fairly extensive."

"[I]t is mildly entertaining to see...."

Josh Larsen, LarsenOnFilm breathlessly mouths,
"Pacino never looks very frazzled....He only gets louder."

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Just When I Think I'm Out

They pulled me back in! I just had to do another Hot Or Not Snark-Attack (that's what I'm calling Images of Desperance now). And praise Allah, folks, 'cause for this edition all the ladies are from the cradle and grave of civilization: the Middle (or Near, depending on who you ask and how close you want to get) East.
First off is a girl from the schizo republic of Turkey, a nation which wanted to get in the Snark-Attack European Edition but, to quote the Prime Minister of Denmark, "FAT CHANCE, RAG HEADS!"*
"I hate men with long hair. I hate ugly, stupid and poor people.. I am beautiful, fun and smart."
I'd have to take issue with the "beautiful" and "fun" self-descriptors. First of all, unless Big Bird turns you on, that beak is a definite minus. As for "fun", I can't imagine a that a woman whose first statement to any potential suitors is one of intense hatred for those born less fortunate than herself (except in the hair department) is really all that "fun". Hell, even "smart" is up for debate; a chick with a nose like hers should NOT have posted a photo of herself in profile. And her only keyword? "Alcohol".

This was the very next Turk to appear:
"just looking for a gentile man."
Most Jewish girls don't flat-out admit it like that. Also, most Jewish girls aren't Turkish, but at this point I don't think being Jewish is all that important to her.

This next girl, well, you can't see her face, but apparently you don't need to. Just look at the bullets hanging off that gun. The implication is that you should click Yes, or she will murder you, your family and your friends, and still have bullets left for your pet and a bullet party with her homies. Of course if you DO click Yes, she'll still imprison you, hook you up to a car battery, put you in a naked pyramid and point at your junk while she laughs. Then the fun will end, and the interrogations will begin.
"Hey! I am Tippy."
Damn right.

Finally, some Israelis, the white sheep of the middle east. Sure they have representative government and the Bomb, but they're no less crazy than their Arab cousins. Really, they're cousins. It's in the Bible! Read the whole thing, then tell me it's not in there.
"looking for a real love with a nobleman is it you?....(:"
First off, you can tell she's Hebrew because she writes her smilies from right to left. Either that or she's unhappy and has two moles on her chin. And frankly, no offense to her, but I can't think of any noblemen in any of the world's remaining monarchies who couldn't do a lot better than 35-year-old computer teacher.

And last off, a woman who REEEEEEEAAAAAAALLLLLYYYY questions your masculinity right off the bat.

"Don't cha wish your girlfriend was girl like me..."
If my girlfriend wasn't a girl already, what makes you think I'd be interested one now?

*The opinions expressed by the Prime Minister of Denmark are his own. Please don't kill... me. And I think he has guards, so, you know, jihad at your own risk.

Friday, April 18, 2008

CMI Goes To The Prom

No, the killer isn't the tiara, nor does he use tiaras to kill people. It stars the man with most unnecessary H's in his name, Johnathon Schaech, as the killer. He's got a history of playing villains. You may remember him as Judas Iscariot in a TV movie, or as the lead singer in That Thing You Do, who was moderately disinterested in his girlfriend which totally justified her getting birddogged by the Tom Hanks-wannabe main character. The critics loved this one, showering it with secret, clandestine praise, hidden in extremely hateful, caustic reviews. I have, once again, deciphered their true feelings about this film from their so-called "negative" reviews.

Mark Ramsey of MovieJuice howls into the night:
"This movie accomplishes the impossible: It makes you... not... be disappointed...."

Ken Hanke of the Asheville, NC Mountain Express philosophizes:
"It's... sex through a blanket. "

The Boston Globe's Wesley Morris pleads:
"There's... perversity.... [J]ust please make it soon. "

Scott Tobias of the Onion AV Club stutters:
"There's really... twists, ...atmosphere, ...big Grand Guignol setpieces, ...a single moment when it tries to do something novel. "

Brian Orndorf of whispers gently into your ear:
" The new Prom Night is insistently... simply being...."

Alex Markerson of E! Online proffers:
"This may not be one of the worst films of all time..."

Saturday, March 29, 2008

CMI: Superhero Movie

Underpants? Hilarious! That must be why this movie got such amazing reviews!
"Writer-director and Scary Movie vet Craig Mazin's script is so ... even remotely funny."

"To call Superhero Movie a satire, or even a parody, of the genre specified in its title would be ... this."

"The gags are[,] consistently...."

Eric D. Snider of orates:
"It's rather ..., actually ... very funny, and ... amusing for more than a few moments at a time, but ..., either."

Josh Larsen of LarsenOnFilm vomits with glee:
"Pamela Anderson appears for 15 seconds ... she's pretty ...."

Friday, March 14, 2008

Images of Douche-sperance

So I don't look like some sort of bitter misogynist, here's an Images of Desperance with the long-awaited DUDES! After that I may very well end this, since it doesn't really fit in with the whole "Critical Mass Index" theme and it's probably very illegal. Besides, you have no idea how weird it felt clicking through Hot or Not with a nothing but a bunch of dudes popping up. I felt... dirty. Anyway, I should probably call it Images of Douchebags, but the meta tags would get me visitors from all sort of unsavory searches. Visitors... like this guy:

"Just love big female butts. well all female butts, well to be honest, all female body parts just let me pleasure you!! *wink*"

Apparently sending us his image from a black-and-white Tron universe, his blurb continues with some pointless drivel about life to the fullest or something, but if any woman has read past this part she doesn't really care about his shallow philosophies. She's too busy laughing her enormous ass off. Next is a fellow who's apparently more cultured than West Virginia would suggest.

Vote for Pedro--oh, wait, I dissolved the representative government and crowned myself Emperor--never vote again! Ladies and gentlemen, it's Napoleon Firefight. The joke is, his hand's in his jacket, like Napoleon, and he's a firefighter. You know how Napoleon had his hand in his jacket in those old portraits? Nevermind, the joke was more tenuous than the life of a politician during the reign of the Directory. Hey-oh! Not funny? Fine. That's the last revolutionary-period French joke, I swear. This next guy, I hope he never sees this webpage or discovers where I live.

Apparently he wasn't even finished teleporting in from the Nightmare Zone when this picture was taken. His eyes are still aflame with the fires of the Blood Reaches, and he still wields his standard issue Nightmarine assault rifle. The mock turtleneck, however, he brought himself.

It seems Russia hasn't completely given up communism. Their bachelors seem to share a single look they all stole from Zoolander:

Redshirt's blurb is particularly creepy. He says:
"if you interesting, I shall tell about itself and russia"
It puts the lotion on its skin, then it TELLS YOU ABOUT RUSSIA!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Originally posted on Xanga 3/18/2008

I love [brackets] and ellipses... because you can insert [or remove] anything you want to from a quote taken out of context and still "technically" be in the clear, as long as you credit the source. So, in the spirit of absolute plagiarism, I introduce a new feature to my blog: "Critical Mass Index". To start it off, I figure I'd use review blurbs from what may well be the worst-reviewed movie of the year (and I'm including the whole rest of the year to come, too): Roland Emmerich's "10,000 BC". By way of introduction, here's a completely unaltered quote from the Monty Python's Terry Gilliam:

Critical Mass Index

OK, now imagine the Tim Allen "Home Improvement" grunt. EEEUUUEHHHGGHH?

Ken Hancke of the Asheville, NC Mountain Express raves:
"Sets new standards for...movies[!]"

Dustin Putman of shouts:
10,000 B.C.
is...pretty....The film is...something

Lou Lumenick of the New York Post exclaims:
"...[H]umans are..., the dialogue is..., and anyone expecting a repeat of the action in 300 is going to be...adventure."

Jan Stewart of Newsday ejaculates:
"An epic adventure of such towering testosterone counts and ceaseless ... hair...[!]"

Keith Phipps of The Onion AV Club proclaims:
"Emmerich knows how to fill the screen"

Chris Hewitt of the St. Paul Pioneer Press interrupts:
"10,000 B.C. is a movie...."

Originally posted on Xanga 2/28/2008

Time for another plunge into the depths of internet dating desperation. Hold your nose! (All names are made up.)


My husband is going through his midlife crisis and doesn't know what he wants!!! Right now I'm looking for friends, but who knows where that might lead??

For God's sake, SKIRT DOWN!!


This one weirds me out. That is NOT a come-hither look. That is a terrifying leer, a sickening stare into the very heart of the viewer. That's what her look says to me. That or, "Hey, it's tits! Eh? What more do you want? WHAT?? I HAVE NOTHING ELSE!"


HI, i am 42 years of age, but don't look or act it.

No, you look it.


"Wanna come back to my place?"she says. "Of course, it's just a little hole-in-the-wall."
You laugh, politely, thinking she's not serious. Take a swig of your drink, say, "Sure thing, baby," then go home to her FILTHY HOVEL with her FOUR CHILDREN and her HUSBAND! Congratulations, you got DATE-PWNED!



Ooooooooookay. Well, now I fear you.


I only included this one because of the weird, seemingly artificial shading going on at the bottom of the photo. What exactly is going on down there that she doesn't want us to see? "Eyes on the boobies! Pay no attention to the horrors that lurk below!"


I am 5.5height, 23yrs.old and I weigh 50 lb.

So, does she want a date or a meal?


I wish to meet especial the man.

So, I suppose that's Especial the cat?


I am single russian woman?

Well, if you don't know I'm not going to risk it.


Iam nice and kind woman,I like life of all worm

Nuff said.


I am divorced but I hope to find a man for serious relations.

She's not kidding around. That smile is just for courtesy. The actual relations will be joyless, uncomfortable, and in every other way completely Russian.