Saturday, March 29, 2008

CMI: Superhero Movie

Underpants? Hilarious! That must be why this movie got such amazing reviews!
"Writer-director and Scary Movie vet Craig Mazin's script is so ... even remotely funny."

"To call Superhero Movie a satire, or even a parody, of the genre specified in its title would be ... this."

"The gags are[,] consistently...."

Eric D. Snider of orates:
"It's rather ..., actually ... very funny, and ... amusing for more than a few moments at a time, but ..., either."

Josh Larsen of LarsenOnFilm vomits with glee:
"Pamela Anderson appears for 15 seconds ... she's pretty ...."

Friday, March 14, 2008

Images of Douche-sperance

So I don't look like some sort of bitter misogynist, here's an Images of Desperance with the long-awaited DUDES! After that I may very well end this, since it doesn't really fit in with the whole "Critical Mass Index" theme and it's probably very illegal. Besides, you have no idea how weird it felt clicking through Hot or Not with a nothing but a bunch of dudes popping up. I felt... dirty. Anyway, I should probably call it Images of Douchebags, but the meta tags would get me visitors from all sort of unsavory searches. Visitors... like this guy:

"Just love big female butts. well all female butts, well to be honest, all female body parts just let me pleasure you!! *wink*"

Apparently sending us his image from a black-and-white Tron universe, his blurb continues with some pointless drivel about life to the fullest or something, but if any woman has read past this part she doesn't really care about his shallow philosophies. She's too busy laughing her enormous ass off. Next is a fellow who's apparently more cultured than West Virginia would suggest.

Vote for Pedro--oh, wait, I dissolved the representative government and crowned myself Emperor--never vote again! Ladies and gentlemen, it's Napoleon Firefight. The joke is, his hand's in his jacket, like Napoleon, and he's a firefighter. You know how Napoleon had his hand in his jacket in those old portraits? Nevermind, the joke was more tenuous than the life of a politician during the reign of the Directory. Hey-oh! Not funny? Fine. That's the last revolutionary-period French joke, I swear. This next guy, I hope he never sees this webpage or discovers where I live.

Apparently he wasn't even finished teleporting in from the Nightmare Zone when this picture was taken. His eyes are still aflame with the fires of the Blood Reaches, and he still wields his standard issue Nightmarine assault rifle. The mock turtleneck, however, he brought himself.

It seems Russia hasn't completely given up communism. Their bachelors seem to share a single look they all stole from Zoolander:

Redshirt's blurb is particularly creepy. He says:
"if you interesting, I shall tell about itself and russia"
It puts the lotion on its skin, then it TELLS YOU ABOUT RUSSIA!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Originally posted on Xanga 3/18/2008

I love [brackets] and ellipses... because you can insert [or remove] anything you want to from a quote taken out of context and still "technically" be in the clear, as long as you credit the source. So, in the spirit of absolute plagiarism, I introduce a new feature to my blog: "Critical Mass Index". To start it off, I figure I'd use review blurbs from what may well be the worst-reviewed movie of the year (and I'm including the whole rest of the year to come, too): Roland Emmerich's "10,000 BC". By way of introduction, here's a completely unaltered quote from the Monty Python's Terry Gilliam:

Critical Mass Index

OK, now imagine the Tim Allen "Home Improvement" grunt. EEEUUUEHHHGGHH?

Ken Hancke of the Asheville, NC Mountain Express raves:
"Sets new standards for...movies[!]"

Dustin Putman of shouts:
10,000 B.C.
is...pretty....The film is...something

Lou Lumenick of the New York Post exclaims:
"...[H]umans are..., the dialogue is..., and anyone expecting a repeat of the action in 300 is going to be...adventure."

Jan Stewart of Newsday ejaculates:
"An epic adventure of such towering testosterone counts and ceaseless ... hair...[!]"

Keith Phipps of The Onion AV Club proclaims:
"Emmerich knows how to fill the screen"

Chris Hewitt of the St. Paul Pioneer Press interrupts:
"10,000 B.C. is a movie...."

Originally posted on Xanga 2/28/2008

Time for another plunge into the depths of internet dating desperation. Hold your nose! (All names are made up.)


My husband is going through his midlife crisis and doesn't know what he wants!!! Right now I'm looking for friends, but who knows where that might lead??

For God's sake, SKIRT DOWN!!


This one weirds me out. That is NOT a come-hither look. That is a terrifying leer, a sickening stare into the very heart of the viewer. That's what her look says to me. That or, "Hey, it's tits! Eh? What more do you want? WHAT?? I HAVE NOTHING ELSE!"


HI, i am 42 years of age, but don't look or act it.

No, you look it.


"Wanna come back to my place?"she says. "Of course, it's just a little hole-in-the-wall."
You laugh, politely, thinking she's not serious. Take a swig of your drink, say, "Sure thing, baby," then go home to her FILTHY HOVEL with her FOUR CHILDREN and her HUSBAND! Congratulations, you got DATE-PWNED!



Ooooooooookay. Well, now I fear you.


I only included this one because of the weird, seemingly artificial shading going on at the bottom of the photo. What exactly is going on down there that she doesn't want us to see? "Eyes on the boobies! Pay no attention to the horrors that lurk below!"


I am 5.5height, 23yrs.old and I weigh 50 lb.

So, does she want a date or a meal?


I wish to meet especial the man.

So, I suppose that's Especial the cat?


I am single russian woman?

Well, if you don't know I'm not going to risk it.


Iam nice and kind woman,I like life of all worm

Nuff said.


I am divorced but I hope to find a man for serious relations.

She's not kidding around. That smile is just for courtesy. The actual relations will be joyless, uncomfortable, and in every other way completely Russian.
Originally posted on Xanga 5/7/2007

"I hate lie and betray, and I'll never let them come to my home."

That's an actual quote from her profile. Either she's a sociopath, or she really needs to master the arts of punctuation;

"So lonely here hey need someone to talk not a pervert or sexmaniac."

Amazingly enough, for her purposes, the Internet is actually better than Thailand.
Also, that is WAY too much food for her. I'm sorry, but it is.

I'll see you next time!

(that's the Reading Rainbow music)

Originally posted on Xanga, 4/21/2007

First off, this chick, who I'm sure is a very nice person, looks just like Elton John. Observe:

Sorry for not resizing them. I'm HTML-tarded.
Originally posted on Xanga 4/23/2006

Images of Desperance - Numbuh Too!

I know she's trying to look sexy - as if she just finished mud wrestling with another chick, or something, but am I the only one who thinks it look like she got seasick on herself? And I love her quote:

If you single out the numbers, each subsequent one doubles the one before it. It's like that DaVinci Code.

Next is Fridget

"love getting drunk and experimenting with new people!"
And I imagine they'd have to be pretty drunk.

Finally, Victoria's Secret...

This one terrified me. "Victoria" needs to keep some secrets. And bury them. Then, centuries later, Indiana Jones finds them, realizes that they are awful, and buries them again. Fifty years after that, Lara Croft finds them, kills some guys, and drops the secret in a pit of black acid for all time. That's what should have happened to this photo.

I include the links so you can hook up with any of these fine ladies at your own pleasure... Greg.
Originally posted on Xanga 4/5/2006

These are women whose pics and profiles I've lifted from The links are there, so since you can go see it at the site I'm guessing it's not violating copyright law, or if it is then not too badly. Before someone notes that they're all women right now, don't worry: I'm going to do men eventually... wait, that didn't come out right... wait, I didn't mean "come out" like... nevermind.
Anyway, these are women who in a world past would be spinsters, old maids, and crochety old ladies who lost, couldn't find, or couldn't buy, a man; but today they are taking charge of their futures by posting unflattering images and brief, yet thoroughly unengaging biographies of themselves on a public website and thereby ensuring that they remain proud, confident, and alone in a new era where middle-aged women can... do... stuff.
I'm not positing that I'm better than these people -- far from it! These... are my people. My sisters and brothers. And although I obviously wouldn't physically touch any of them with a ten-foot pole (and I'm certain the feeling is mutual), I feel them. Emotionally. With a five-foot emotional pole. So, without further ado:

Images of Desperance
(some names have been completely made up)

First in our gallery is Sara. There isn't much I can say about dear Sara that she doesn't say for herself.

"Hi. I'm Sara, and I'm separated from my husband of 17 years because he left me for a man."

Self-described "bi-fem" Lisa has found an interesting method for coping with men's rapidly fading interest in her:
"I like ladies very much!"

Lisa's motto is, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!" Our final entry illustrates that point even more clearly. Here, in all hir glory, is a lady I like to call "Frank."

"I am a woman with a past. (No shit, Frank.)
I am a post operative mtf transgender. That means that I am now physically the woman I always was in heart and soul. And I am willing to love and be loved by someone capable of understanding this." (Good luck.)

Doesn't he look like just a little like Robin WIlliams? It's like Mrs. Doubtfire TO THE EXTREME.

Well, you've squandered a few minutes reading this. Remember, when you're between relationships, that you damn well better settle on a partner (or a gender) before it's too late. Sure, you may get stuck with an awful person you don't love, but consider the alternative...

Yeah, I'd flip a coin for it too.


This blog is going to be where I post all the funny things from my other blog, and any funny things I write in the future. Of course that's not all, or it would incredibly short, and whoever said 'brevity is the soul of wit' was secretly Francis Bacon so who gives a crap what he says, am I right? Stay tuned, I'll be moving old stuff over soon.