Monday, December 7, 2009

CMI: Old Dogs

"It may be too late for you two, but I'm getting out of this movie while I still have a career! "
"The hell you are, Green! You're gonna be my son in Wild Hogs 2!"

"[T]his... movie pees... comedy."

"Old Dogs is -- quite simply... filmmaking."

"This... comedy tests the limits of... the crotch a movie can show, or an audience can absorb."

"[F]ew people are making movies like Old Dogs."

"Is any of it believable for even one moment? Of course[.]"

"[E]ndlessly, excruciatingly [f]un-funny [can]non-comedy[.]"

"Old Dogs isn't the absolute worst movie[.]"

Sunday, November 29, 2009

CMI: 2012

"What? I'm throttling Woody Harrelson. Wouldn't you?"

"It is better that the world ends here, right now[.]"
Brandon Fibbs

"[I]t's a disaster gang-bang."
Scott Von Doviak

"[A] work of awful efficiency."
Tom Long
Detroit News

"It's pointless to fault '2012'."
Dan Lybarger

"2012 is so long, and its special effects are at once so outrageous and so thunderously... decent[.]"
Anthony Lane

"An Oscar-caliber cast and dazzling visual effects..., dialogue and... plot points."

"'I'm... for this s**t.'"

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Snark Attack: Newfies

I just found this aptly named land, and here are its finest. Enjoy.

Most human men would question the wisdom a woman photographing herself from an angle which makes her cheekbones appear larger than her breasts... but she's not out to impress human males...

Her target audience.

You know what's really scary? The door she's standing in front of is the only way out of that room.

Sorry, boys. Taken.

"What do you mean, 'What am I doing on a dating site?' I just want to find someone to... oh, you're looking at the suit and the flowers and the woman who has been entirely cropped out except for her hand -- you think I'm getting marr--? Ha ha! No, no, no. This is... something else. Something else entirely. So... where you from?"

The Canadian Special Forces:
You can't even tell that they've been covertly operating in southern New Mexico since 9/11.
Neither can they.
They think it is Afghanistan.
They do not speak Spanish.

...and hating it.

Heyyyyy... wait a minute...!
Those two huge things on her chest...?

Those can't be her real hands!

CMI: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

"Seriously, though. Which ones are we? Am I Optimus? Mega-thon? *sighs* Our models are so freakin' complex."
"But you can see every penny of the CGI."
"You got that right,... Blur? Starblebee? Unicorn?"
"I really couldn't tell you. We all seem to be gunmetal gray."
"Then screw it. You're Blur."

"Critics blithely refer to movies... all the time, but this is the real deal."
Eugene Novikov

"[T]he script (credited to Ehren Kruger, Robert Orci, and Alex Kurtzman) was written in serial-novel form during an all-night mescaline bender... I have... evidence."
Christopher Orr
New Republic

"The special effects are better and the dialogue slightly more humorous than in the first movie, but the anti-Arab subtext is [unfortunately, only]... PG-13."
Chicago Reader

"Boasts... visuals, sound effects and editing, ...action sequences... thrills and a plot filled with... logic... that leaves you feeling ...whelmed."
Avi Offer
NYC Movie Guru

"This sequel is just masturbation."
Jeff Bayer
The Scorecard Review

"It's a wad of... big screen... machismo".

"It is... cinematic ejaculation."
Brent Simon
Shared Darkness

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Kennessuckey Bluenuts

Can you spot the Kentuckians in this mostly Tennesseean lineup?* Or perhaps, more pertinently, will you bother?

"A camera?! Here??!!!"

Dewey Defeats Woman.

How could any man turn down the thought of more passionate kisses like this one?

"Yessssssssssssssssssssss, I'm going to drink the whole thing. This pitcher is my date tonight. Leave."

"C'mon. Whaddya say, eh? C'moooooooonnn. Ehhh? Ehhhhhhhhh??"

Hypnosis does not work over the internet. Nice try, though.

Eight inches of neckline and a millimeter of cleavage; at this point even the type of man she's trying to attract is more interested in her personality.

I know she's winking and I know it's ageist to say this, but if she doesn't close her other eye completely people are just going to think she's having a stroke.

*It was those last two.

Monday, March 2, 2009

CMI: Madea Goes To Jail

Tyler Perry as the title character (right, licking fingers), eats a meal with a black person

"The women's prison dramedy I wanted."
Wesley Morris
Boston Globe

"It is, in short, ... humour."
Jim Slotek
Jam! Movies

"Two movies for the price of one[!] ... [T]he comedy smashed against the drama makes the whole thing... entertaining."
Jackie K. Cooper

"Roger Ebert's tsunami of racism... is more than sporadically amusing.... Perry's film benefits."
Rob Humanick
Slant Magazine

"Once again, Perry has concocted... what he feels reasonably safe in assuming they want...[:] B.O., ...exactly what they do indeed desire. "
Joe Leydon

"[E]verything Madea says is gold, ... the storyline will literally stop so we can hear the crazed crone go off for no particular reason. [Hooray!]"
Bill Gibron

Full disclosure: Photo captions are now being outsourced to India. Amazingly, it is cheaper than doing it myself. The firm I've contracted is so well reputed I don't even read the captions anymore. Jai ho!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Goodnight, You Princes of Maine, You Kings of New England

Since the economy has lost as many jobs as it would have if the state of Maine had somehow sunk into the ocean like a really Protestant lost continent of Atlantis, this time HoNSA (I'm abbreviating it now) goes to The Forgotten State (actual motto) and trawls up a lobster pot full of frigid Nor'Eastern beefcake. Also, I really wanted to use that Cider House Rules quote for the title.

And in case any of you are wondering why it's been mostly women up until now, it's because men are skewered SO much more effectively at the Why Women Hate Men Blog.

And because none of the women will date me.

"Trying to find my nitche."
Before you critique his spelling too harshly, remember: B is right next N on the keyboard.

"Sorry, ladies. Taken."

"Wait, none of you knew "Tool" was a band? But I've had this shirt for years and-- oh."

"Now where did I put my 'Tool' shirt? Hey, that would be a good name for a band, too."

"Oh, you wanted to put your peanuts in my mouth. Yeah, sure, that's fine too."
The joke is he looks like Lance Bass.
Come on, I can't be the only one who sees it!

You've chosen curtain number three, and it's... a poorly decorated apartment and an aging hipster boyfriend! Guess you should have stuck with the Tappan range.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Let's Just Do Women in Their Thirties for No Special Reason.

Running out of gimmicks.

Holding back the fury of Hurricane Fred with only her boobs. I know I feel safer.

You lost, honey. Getting in the same pose as the last lady did not help your case.

I love the way she's looking at those flowers, with a combination of slight amusement and deep unease. Like the flowers just made a racist joke.

I know she really wants us to look at her breasts but her forehead is the size of a luxury sedan.

Why is her tiny picture sideways? I already have to squint; don't make me lean.

"... And THIS is my hovel!"

I know she's trying to look sultry, but she just looks like she fell. And that bra strap's really cutting into that shoulder fat, isn't it? Can't be comfortable. Of course, neither is crawling around on the floor.