Friday, December 24, 2010

CMI: Yogi Bear

Leaving so soon, Ranger Smith? Sit down, take a load off! Boo-boo, turn on my Barry White mixtape.

Um, thanks for the dinner, Yogi, but we don't really know each other well enough to--

Sit your sweetness down, Smith.

I... Okay.

"Yogi Bear is aggressively ... kind. [Y]ou need to fear ... Vengeance."

"Yogi Bear can claim all he wants... [H]is latest big-screen incarnation is uncomfortably close... [and] looking... even more satisfying."

"The best that can be said is that it's a 'cute' ... moment when Yogi tells the lovestruck Mr. Ranger ... to urinate on her."

"Picture Timberlake in the booth recording his lines and you have the best ... icky things popping out of the screen."

"[R]eferences to flatulence and urination are made. ... [T]he art of the... mysteries of the gastrointestinal system..., I will happily celebrate."

Monday, July 26, 2010

Snark Attack - August 2010

Putting a theme to this Snark Attack would have been a reach, so it's just a random grab bag, this time around. To make up for that, here's a little game you can play: After reading this first one, try to formulate some sort of pun pertaining to it that uses the words "grab", "bag", "reach" and "around".

"Hi, I'm Kara. I'm a tgirl, or as Billy Joel so eloquently put it, 'She's more than a woman to me.' "
That is disgusting, immoral, revolting and wrong. The title of that song is "She's Always A Woman". The bastardized line he/she "quotes" is never even uttered in the original version of Mr. Billy Joel's masterpiece of popular songwriting, and I take the maximum umbrage on his behalf.

"hey girls..."
Oh, she's a lesbian. Well, that makes me feel safer.

This photo was actually taken in an alternate timeline's 2010. In that world, the only historical events different from are that Hitler never came to power, the nuclear bomb was never invented, and Marilyn Monroe (pictured above) is still alive.
Thank you, nuclear bomb.

"hello there i would like to meet pple..."
...Please to come my Burmese torture palace now!

"Gaaaawwwwwddddddddd I love adrenaline rushes!!!"
Gaaaawwwwwddddddddd, no.

"I am a lady. my brain is good. not just pretty but lovely"
I suppose I'll just have to take her word for it since I can't see that lovely brain of hers.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

CMI: Shrek Forever After

Trust me, you need the 3D glasses.

"Every frame of this film reeks of a project that has been conceived and executed...[.Y]ou’ll pay to see it. ... Fans of all ages deserve ... "Shrek Forever After” ... [.]"

"Somewhat clever, heartfelt and much darker than its predecessors, but it's ultimately ... as diverting as it could have been."

"After the frantic spurt..., this one inches along with ... the occasional mild ... symptom of the lazy ... trickles across every limp page of this fantastically ... terrific ... story line."
Kyle Smith
New York Post

"[Shrek Forever After] may not be especially funny; it may not have any tremendously compelling reason to exist; the story may be put together like a scarecrow, crudely patched together pieces that keep threatening to fall apart; everybody involved in the cast may sound like they could barely keep their eyes open for the recording session; but by God, it's ... the last one."
Tim Brayton

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

CMI: The Last Song

"The Last Song" represents Miley Cyrus' first adult role.

Heaven help us all.

"The Last Song hits the big bong ... early on[.]"
Bangor Daily News (Maine)

"The film is engineered to entice... everyone else."
Slant Magazine

"[J]erked gracelessly and methodically. But this is what you want..., right?"

"Cyrus..., with her... overbite[,] does show off her considerable chops[.]"

"If you laid... Sparks, ... Cyrus, ... and simultaneously ... a surly teen (and piano prodigy) who’s forced to ... with her divorced father Steve (Greg Kinnear), her old keyboard teacher, at his Georgia beachfront home[,] ... while her younger brother Jonah (ultra-cutesy Bobby Coleman) idolizes the old man ..., [t]hen there’s the romance."
One Guy's Opinion

"I like Miley Cyrus... packaged[.]"

Monday, March 29, 2010

CMI: Bounty Hunter


"These two characters are so aggressively..., the world would be better off with both of them[.]"
NYC Film Critic

"The Bounty Hunter is the caper comedy that keeps on[.]"

"Yes, it's every bit as... the trailers suggest."

"[W]hat I appreciate most, in the end, is simply not cringing."
Chicago Tribune

"[I]t[']s welcome[,] and ends up as one of the most... voluted romcoms in recent memory. The lively supporting cast... keep you briefly awake. "

"I like Jennifer Aniston, .... her .... junk."