Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Snark Attack!

I'm an altruistic, spiritual, friendly, warm, smiling and - the most important - very dishonest girl.
At least she's honest about that. I think.

F**k Dane Cook. This chick just gave the entire internet the real Super-Finger.
Actually, you know what? Scratch that last bit. Just f**k Dane Cook.

A self-described "filthy" Jew from the land of Borat (which probably explains her low self-esteem, given the Jew-Killing Festivals shown in that scrupulously truthful docudrama)
I once fell off a bus. And a boat. This is not cool. But I think i'm awesome! love you bitch!
No, this isn't cool. Not cool at all.

I'm not saying anything. Make the comparison for yourself.
One of them is Edna Mode. I have no idea which anymore.

now in my thirties. If you care,please do not hesitate to talk to me.
...Before it's too late?

Sunday, April 20, 2008

CMI: 88 Minutes

Shut the damn door! I'm on the john, here, you fockin' cocka-roach! HOO-AH!

"88 Minutes" is one of those thrillers in which characters seem to run all over the place and talk a lot on cell phones."

Joshua Tyler, dithers,
"It's a... movie... worth reviewing let alone seeing."

"The...writing, directing, editing, acting, continuity, makeup and cinematography, for starter[s]... are fairly extensive."

"[I]t is mildly entertaining to see...."

Josh Larsen, LarsenOnFilm breathlessly mouths,
"Pacino never looks very frazzled....He only gets louder."

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Just When I Think I'm Out

They pulled me back in! I just had to do another Hot Or Not Snark-Attack (that's what I'm calling Images of Desperance now). And praise Allah, folks, 'cause for this edition all the ladies are from the cradle and grave of civilization: the Middle (or Near, depending on who you ask and how close you want to get) East.
First off is a girl from the schizo republic of Turkey, a nation which wanted to get in the Snark-Attack European Edition but, to quote the Prime Minister of Denmark, "FAT CHANCE, RAG HEADS!"*
"I hate men with long hair. I hate ugly, stupid and poor people.. I am beautiful, fun and smart."
I'd have to take issue with the "beautiful" and "fun" self-descriptors. First of all, unless Big Bird turns you on, that beak is a definite minus. As for "fun", I can't imagine a that a woman whose first statement to any potential suitors is one of intense hatred for those born less fortunate than herself (except in the hair department) is really all that "fun". Hell, even "smart" is up for debate; a chick with a nose like hers should NOT have posted a photo of herself in profile. And her only keyword? "Alcohol".

This was the very next Turk to appear:
"just looking for a gentile man."
Most Jewish girls don't flat-out admit it like that. Also, most Jewish girls aren't Turkish, but at this point I don't think being Jewish is all that important to her.

This next girl, well, you can't see her face, but apparently you don't need to. Just look at the bullets hanging off that gun. The implication is that you should click Yes, or she will murder you, your family and your friends, and still have bullets left for your pet and a bullet party with her homies. Of course if you DO click Yes, she'll still imprison you, hook you up to a car battery, put you in a naked pyramid and point at your junk while she laughs. Then the fun will end, and the interrogations will begin.
"Hey! I am Tippy."
Damn right.

Finally, some Israelis, the white sheep of the middle east. Sure they have representative government and the Bomb, but they're no less crazy than their Arab cousins. Really, they're cousins. It's in the Bible! Read the whole thing, then tell me it's not in there.
"looking for a real love with a nobleman is it you?....(:"
First off, you can tell she's Hebrew because she writes her smilies from right to left. Either that or she's unhappy and has two moles on her chin. And frankly, no offense to her, but I can't think of any noblemen in any of the world's remaining monarchies who couldn't do a lot better than 35-year-old computer teacher.

And last off, a woman who REEEEEEEAAAAAAALLLLLYYYY questions your masculinity right off the bat.

"Don't cha wish your girlfriend was girl like me..."
If my girlfriend wasn't a girl already, what makes you think I'd be interested one now?

*The opinions expressed by the Prime Minister of Denmark are his own. Please don't kill... me. And I think he has guards, so, you know, jihad at your own risk.

Friday, April 18, 2008

CMI Goes To The Prom

No, the killer isn't the tiara, nor does he use tiaras to kill people. It stars the man with most unnecessary H's in his name, Johnathon Schaech, as the killer. He's got a history of playing villains. You may remember him as Judas Iscariot in a TV movie, or as the lead singer in That Thing You Do, who was moderately disinterested in his girlfriend which totally justified her getting birddogged by the Tom Hanks-wannabe main character. The critics loved this one, showering it with secret, clandestine praise, hidden in extremely hateful, caustic reviews. I have, once again, deciphered their true feelings about this film from their so-called "negative" reviews.

Mark Ramsey of MovieJuice howls into the night:
"This movie accomplishes the impossible: It makes you... not... be disappointed...."

Ken Hanke of the Asheville, NC Mountain Express philosophizes:
"It's... sex through a blanket. "

The Boston Globe's Wesley Morris pleads:
"There's... perversity.... [J]ust please make it soon. "

Scott Tobias of the Onion AV Club stutters:
"There's really... twists, ...atmosphere, ...big Grand Guignol setpieces, ...a single moment when it tries to do something novel. "

Brian Orndorf of whispers gently into your ear:
" The new Prom Night is insistently... simply being...."

Alex Markerson of E! Online proffers:
"This may not be one of the worst films of all time..."