Friday, April 18, 2008

CMI Goes To The Prom

No, the killer isn't the tiara, nor does he use tiaras to kill people. It stars the man with most unnecessary H's in his name, Johnathon Schaech, as the killer. He's got a history of playing villains. You may remember him as Judas Iscariot in a TV movie, or as the lead singer in That Thing You Do, who was moderately disinterested in his girlfriend which totally justified her getting birddogged by the Tom Hanks-wannabe main character. The critics loved this one, showering it with secret, clandestine praise, hidden in extremely hateful, caustic reviews. I have, once again, deciphered their true feelings about this film from their so-called "negative" reviews.

Mark Ramsey of MovieJuice howls into the night:
"This movie accomplishes the impossible: It makes you... not... be disappointed...."

Ken Hanke of the Asheville, NC Mountain Express philosophizes:
"It's... sex through a blanket. "

The Boston Globe's Wesley Morris pleads:
"There's... perversity.... [J]ust please make it soon. "

Scott Tobias of the Onion AV Club stutters:
"There's really... twists, ...atmosphere, ...big Grand Guignol setpieces, ...a single moment when it tries to do something novel. "

Brian Orndorf of whispers gently into your ear:
" The new Prom Night is insistently... simply being...."

Alex Markerson of E! Online proffers:
"This may not be one of the worst films of all time..."

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