Critical Mass Index

Monday, March 2, 2009

CMI: Madea Goes To Jail

Tyler Perry as the title character (right, licking fingers), eats a meal with a black person

"The women's prison dramedy I wanted."
Wesley Morris
Boston Globe

"It is, in short, ... humour."
Jim Slotek
Jam! Movies

"Two movies for the price of one[!] ... [T]he comedy smashed against the drama makes the whole thing... entertaining."
Jackie K. Cooper
jackiekcooper.com

"Roger Ebert's tsunami of racism... is more than sporadically amusing.... Perry's film benefits."
Rob Humanick
Slant Magazine

"Once again, Perry has concocted... what he feels reasonably safe in assuming they want...[:] B.O., ...exactly what they do indeed desire. "
Joe Leydon
Variety

"[E]verything Madea says is gold, ... the storyline will literally stop so we can hear the crazed crone go off for no particular reason. [Hooray!]"
Bill Gibron
Filmcritic.com

Full disclosure: Photo captions are now being outsourced to India. Amazingly, it is cheaper than doing it myself. The firm I've contracted is so well reputed I don't even read the captions anymore. Jai ho!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Goodnight, You Princes of Maine, You Kings of New England

Since the economy has lost as many jobs as it would have if the state of Maine had somehow sunk into the ocean like a really Protestant lost continent of Atlantis, this time HoNSA (I'm abbreviating it now) goes to The Forgotten State (actual motto) and trawls up a lobster pot full of frigid Nor'Eastern beefcake. Also, I really wanted to use that Cider House Rules quote for the title.

And in case any of you are wondering why it's been mostly women up until now, it's because men are skewered SO much more effectively at the Why Women Hate Men Blog.

And because none of the women will date me.

"Trying to find my nitche."

Before you critique his spelling too harshly, remember: B is right next N on the keyboard.

"Sorry, ladies. Taken."

"Wait, none of you knew "Tool" was a band? But I've had this shirt for years and-- oh."

"Now where did I put my 'Tool' shirt? Hey, that would be a good name for a band, too."

"Oh, you wanted to put your peanuts in my mouth. Yeah, sure, that's fine too."

The joke is he looks like Lance Bass.

Come on, I can't be the only one who sees it!

You've chosen curtain number three, and it's... a poorly decorated apartment and an aging hipster boyfriend! Guess you should have stuck with the Tappan range.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Let's Just Do Women in Their Thirties for No Special Reason.

Running out of gimmicks.

Holding back the fury of Hurricane Fred with only her boobs. I know I feel safer.

You lost, honey. Getting in the same pose as the last lady did not help your case.

I love the way she's looking at those flowers, with a combination of slight amusement and deep unease. Like the flowers just made a racist joke.

I know she really wants us to look at her breasts but her forehead is the size of a luxury sedan.

Why is her tiny picture sideways? I already have to squint; don't make me lean.

"... And THIS is my hovel!"

I know she's trying to look sultry, but she just looks like she fell. And that bra strap's really cutting into that shoulder fat, isn't it? Can't be comfortable. Of course, neither is crawling around on the floor.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Snark Attack!

At first,I hadn't seen anything funny about this picture, though I did notice what I perceived to be a melancholic, far-away look in her eyes--a false smile, beneath eyes that seemed poised to surrender to tears. I was touched, for a moment, and reconsidered my heartless, Ricklesian hobby of internet mockery. And I had clicked past this one until I realized that, when this photo was taken. this chick was already halfway through an entire pitcher of booze.

I'd have had a far-away look, too.

This is not "stripperobics". She is the world's stupidest fireman. And now she's paralyzed.

"------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ very good "

"Very good"? Did we pass some sort of test? Not being attracted to you? What do we win?

"I love to exercise and be active and hope to find someone who values this as i do."

What a polite way to say "no fatties".

"am just a simple girl and am looking the better part of me "

Her "Better part"? Judging by the musculature on this particular woman, that would be her penis.

CMI: Twilight

"...with ranch dressing and a diet Coke. So what are you having, Edward?"

"Yeah, I don't think you understand the concept of 'vampire' yet."

"The film adaptation of Twilight isn't nearly... bad."
Tim Brayton
Antagony & Ecstasy

"Is it worth seeing? Is it any good? Does it matter what's written or said? The answer is... certainly."
Wilson Morales
BlackFilm.com

"OMG -- I'm so totally... a teenage girl."
Kevin Williamson
Jam! Movies

"It's like an actual grownup movie, all serious and important."
MaryAnn Johanson
Flick Filosopher

"[A]lso... balls."
Pete Vonder Haar
Film Threat

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

CMI: Eagle Eye

"Uh, no, we were just... Okay... Yeah, I got it, I... Oh wait, what? ... Really? ... But it smells so bad and there's all this hair... No, all over... And you still want me to--? ... With my mouth?! ... *sigh* All right... No, it's okay... Love you, too. Bye."

"Eagle Eye promises to blow your mind..., but my mind was already blown."

Gary Thompson
Philadelphia Daily News

"I actually feel a little dirty... about this one. "

Jeff Bayer
The Scorecard Review

"The Amish would love it[!]"

Jeffrey Lyles
Gazette (MD)

"Should this film be a huge box office success, it will stand as a... testament to how... the bar for cinematic entertainment has been set."

James Berardinelli
ReelViews

"I was waiting for Will Smith to pop up."

Kevin McCarthy
WJFK-FM (CBS Radio)

"The fever-pitch paranoia of this terrorist thriller, the seizure-inducing editing, the dense layers slapped on a fairly simple plot all point to... money."

Roger Moore
Orlando Sentinel

"[I]t is like being in a blender."

Laura Clifford
Reeling Reviews