I'm not dead, I just got a real job!

 

... If anyone was paying attention. No? Great. So now that that's out of the way, something more CMI. Ahem.

 

If anyone needed more proof that manga borrowed as heavily from American comics as the opposite, watch this mashed-up trailer. If you didn't know the backstory of Astro Boy: basically, its this: Scientist's kid dies, he makes a robo-duplicate, that robot boy becomes a superhero. It is NOT Pinocchio. Imagi (the makers of the movie the images in the trailer are from) didn't understand that, and it cost them their entire studio because no one watched this movie and critics panned it as being, well, Pinocchio, but lamer and no cricket. It's NOT Pinocchio, it's Siegel's Superman/Asimov's Robot-verse/Fritz Lang's Metropolis/Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. This trailer is better than my description; as well as being better than the actual Astro Boy movie.

 

 

 

 

Courtesy of Vederick (vote it up at the Trailer Mash)

 

I may do Astro Boy in the next CMI! Post suggestions! Or don't. I don't check.

CMI: Yogi Bear

YOGI BEAR

Leaving so soon, Ranger Smith? Sit down, take a load off! Boo-boo, turn on my Barry White mixtape.

RANGER SMITH

Um, thanks for the dinner, Yogi, but we don't really know each other well enough to--

YB

Sit your sweetness down, Smith.

RS

I... Okay.

"Yogi Bear is aggressively ... kind. [Y]ou need to fear ... Vengeance."

Jen Yamato

Movies.com

"Yogi Bear can claim all he wants... [H]is latest big-screen incarnation is uncomfortably close... [and] looking... even more satisfying."

Mike Scott

Times-Picayune

"The best that can be said is that it's a 'cute' ... moment when Yogi tells the lovestruck Mr. Ranger ... to urinate on her."

John Beifuss

Commercial Appeal (Memphis, TN)

"Picture Timberlake in the booth recording his lines and you have the best ... icky things popping out of the screen."

Ty Burr

Boston Globe

"[R]eferences to flatulence and urination are made. ... [T]he art of the... mysteries of the gastrointestinal system..., I will happily celebrate."

Brian Orndorf

brianordorf.com

Snark Attack - August 2010

Putting a theme to this Snark Attack would have been a reach, so it's just a random grab bag, this time around. To make up for that, here's a little game you can play: After reading this first one, try to formulate some sort of pun pertaining to it that uses the words "grab", "bag", "reach" and "around".

"Hi, I'm Kara. I'm a tgirl, or as Billy Joel so eloquently put it, 'She's more than a woman to me.' "

That is disgusting, immoral, revolting and wrong. The title of that song is "She's Always A Woman". The bastardized line he/she "quotes" is never even uttered in the original version of Mr. Billy Joel's masterpiece of popular songwriting, and I take the maximum umbrage on his behalf.

"hey girls..."
Oh, she's a lesbian. Well, that makes me feel safer.

This photo was actually taken in an alternate timeline's 2010. In that world, the only historical events different from are that Hitler never came to power, the nuclear bomb was never invented, and Marilyn Monroe (pictured above) is still alive.

Thank you, nuclear bomb.

"hello there i would like to meet pple..."
...Please to come my Burmese torture palace now!

"Gaaaawwwwwddddddddd I love adrenaline rushes!!!"

Gaaaawwwwwddddddddd, no.

"I am a lady. my brain is good. not just pretty but lovely"

I suppose I'll just have to take her word for it since I can't see that lovely brain of hers.

CMI: Shrek Forever After

Trust me, you need the 3D glasses.

"Every frame of this film reeks of a project that has been conceived and executed...[.Y]ou’ll pay to see it. ... Fans of all ages deserve ... "Shrek Forever After” ... [.]"

Brian Tallerico

HollywoodChicago.com

"Somewhat clever, heartfelt and much darker than its predecessors, but it's ultimately ... as diverting as it could have been."

Avi Offer

NYC Movie Guru

"After the frantic spurt..., this one inches along with ... the occasional mild ... symptom of the lazy ... trickles across every limp page of this fantastically ... terrific ... story line."
Kyle Smith

New York Post

"[Shrek Forever After] may not be especially funny; it may not have any tremendously compelling reason to exist; the story may be put together like a scarecrow, crudely patched together pieces that keep threatening to fall apart; everybody involved in the cast may sound like they could barely keep their eyes open for the recording session; but by God, it's ... the last one."
Tim Brayton

Film Threat

CMI: The Last Song

"The Last Song" represents Miley Cyrus' first adult role.

Heaven help us all.

"The Last Song hits the big bong ... early on[.]"

Christopher Smith

Bangor Daily News (Maine)


"The film is engineered to entice... everyone else."

Nick Schager

Slant Magazine

"[J]erked gracelessly and methodically. But this is what you want..., right?"

Eric D. Snider

EricDSnider.com

"Cyrus..., with her... overbite[,] does show off her considerable chops[.]"

Rob Nelson

Variety

"If you laid... Sparks, ... Cyrus, ... and simultaneously ... a surly teen (and piano prodigy) who’s forced to ... with her divorced father Steve (Greg Kinnear), her old keyboard teacher, at his Georgia beachfront home[,] ... while her younger brother Jonah (ultra-cutesy Bobby Coleman) idolizes the old man ..., [t]hen there’s the romance."

Frank Swietek

One Guy's Opinion


"I like Miley Cyrus... packaged[.]"

Roger Ebert

Chicago Sun-Times

CMI: Bounty Hunter

"Madness?"

"These two characters are so aggressively..., the world would be better off with both of them[.]"

Ethan Alter

NYC Film Critic

"The Bounty Hunter is the caper comedy that keeps on[.]"

Michelle Orange

Movieline


"Yes, it's every bit as... the trailers suggest."

Rene Rodriguez

Miami Herald

"[W]hat I appreciate most, in the end, is simply not cringing."

Michael Phillips

Chicago Tribune


"[I]t[']s welcome[,] and ends up as one of the most... voluted romcoms in recent memory. The lively supporting cast... keep you briefly awake. "

Avi Offer

NYC Movie Guru

"I like Jennifer Aniston, .... her .... junk."

Christopher Tookey

Daily Mail [UK]

CMI: Old Dogs

"It may be too late for you two, but I'm getting out of this movie while I still have a career! "

"The hell you are, Green! You're gonna be my son in Wild Hogs 2!"

"[T]his... movie pees... comedy."

Matt Stevens

E! Online

"Old Dogs is -- quite simply... filmmaking."

Ken Hanke

Mountain Xpress (Asheville, NC)

"This... comedy tests the limits of... the crotch a movie can show, or an audience can absorb."

Sean Means

Salt Lake Tribune

"[F]ew people are making movies like Old Dogs."

Mick LaSalle

San Francisco Chronicle

"Is any of it believable for even one moment? Of course[.]"

Tom Long

Detroit News

"[E]ndlessly, excruciatingly [f]un-funny [can]non-comedy[.]"

Nell Minow

Beliefnet

"Old Dogs isn't the absolute worst movie[.]"

Ty Burr

Boston Globe

CMI: 2012

"What? I'm throttling Woody Harrelson. Wouldn't you?"

"It is better that the world ends here, right now[.]"
Brandon Fibbs
BrandonFibbs.com

"[I]t's a disaster gang-bang."
Scott Von Doviak
culturevulture.net

"[A] work of awful efficiency."
Tom Long
Detroit News

"It's pointless to fault '2012'."
Dan Lybarger
eFilmCritic.com

"2012 is so long, and its special effects are at once so outrageous and so thunderously... decent[.]"
Anthony Lane

New Yorker

"An Oscar-caliber cast and dazzling visual effects..., dialogue and... plot points."

Tyler Hanley
Palo Alto Weekly

"'I'm... for this s**t.'"

Mark Ramsey

MovieJuice!

Snark Attack: Newfies

I just found this aptly named land, and here are its finest. Enjoy.

Most human men would question the wisdom a woman photographing herself from an angle which makes her cheekbones appear larger than her breasts... but she's not out to impress human males...


Her target audience.

You know what's really scary? The door she's standing in front of is the only way out of that room.

Sorry, boys. Taken.

"What do you mean, 'What am I doing on a dating site?' I just want to find someone to... oh, you're looking at the suit and the flowers and the woman who has been entirely cropped out except for her hand -- you think I'm getting marr--? Ha ha! No, no, no. This is... something else. Something else entirely. So... where you from?"

The Canadian Special Forces:
You can't even tell that they've been covertly operating in southern New Mexico since 9/11.
Neither can they.
They think it is Afghanistan.
They do not speak Spanish.

...and hating it.

Heyyyyy... wait a minute...!
Those two huge things on her chest...?

Those can't be her real hands!

CMI: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

"Seriously, though. Which ones are we? Am I Optimus? Mega-thon? *sighs* Our models are so freakin' complex."
"But you can see every penny of the CGI."
"You got that right,... Blur? Starblebee? Unicorn?"
"I really couldn't tell you. We all seem to be gunmetal gray."
"Then screw it. You're Blur."

"Critics blithely refer to movies... all the time, but this is the real deal."
Eugene Novikov
AMCtv.com

"[T]he script (credited to Ehren Kruger, Robert Orci, and Alex Kurtzman) was written in serial-novel form during an all-night mescaline bender... I have... evidence."

Christopher Orr

New Republic


"The special effects are better and the dialogue slightly more humorous than in the first movie, but the anti-Arab subtext is [unfortunately, only]... PG-13."

Andrea Gronvall

Chicago Reader

"Boasts... visuals, sound effects and editing, ...action sequences... thrills and a plot filled with... logic... that leaves you feeling ...whelmed."
Avi Offer
NYC Movie Guru

"This sequel is just masturbation."
Jeff Bayer
The Scorecard Review

"It's a wad of... big screen... machismo".

David Cornelius

eFilmCritic.com

"It is... cinematic ejaculation."
Brent Simon
Shared Darkness

Kennessuckey Bluenuts

Can you spot the Kentuckians in this mostly Tennesseean lineup?* Or perhaps, more pertinently, will you bother?

"A camera?! Here??!!!"

Dewey Defeats Woman.

How could any man turn down the thought of more passionate kisses like this one?

"Yessssssssssssssssssssss, I'm going to drink the whole thing. This pitcher is my date tonight. Leave."

"C'mon. Whaddya say, eh? C'moooooooonnn. Ehhh? Ehhhhhhhhh??"

Hypnosis does not work over the internet. Nice try, though.

Eight inches of neckline and a millimeter of cleavage; at this point even the type of man she's trying to attract is more interested in her personality.

I know she's winking and I know it's ageist to say this, but if she doesn't close her other eye completely people are just going to think she's having a stroke.

*It was those last two.

CMI: Madea Goes To Jail

Tyler Perry as the title character (right, licking fingers), eats a meal with a black person

"The women's prison dramedy I wanted."
Wesley Morris
Boston Globe

"It is, in short, ... humour."
Jim Slotek
Jam! Movies

"Two movies for the price of one[!] ... [T]he comedy smashed against the drama makes the whole thing... entertaining."
Jackie K. Cooper
jackiekcooper.com

"Roger Ebert's tsunami of racism... is more than sporadically amusing.... Perry's film benefits."
Rob Humanick
Slant Magazine

"Once again, Perry has concocted... what he feels reasonably safe in assuming they want...[:] B.O., ...exactly what they do indeed desire. "
Joe Leydon
Variety

"[E]verything Madea says is gold, ... the storyline will literally stop so we can hear the crazed crone go off for no particular reason. [Hooray!]"
Bill Gibron
Filmcritic.com

Full disclosure: Photo captions are now being outsourced to India. Amazingly, it is cheaper than doing it myself. The firm I've contracted is so well reputed I don't even read the captions anymore. Jai ho!

Goodnight, You Princes of Maine, You Kings of New England

Since the economy has lost as many jobs as it would have if the state of Maine had somehow sunk into the ocean like a really Protestant lost continent of Atlantis, this time HoNSA (I'm abbreviating it now) goes to The Forgotten State (actual motto) and trawls up a lobster pot full of frigid Nor'Eastern beefcake. Also, I really wanted to use that Cider House Rules quote for the title.

And in case any of you are wondering why it's been mostly women up until now, it's because men are skewered SO much more effectively at the Why Women Hate Men Blog.

And because none of the women will date me.





"Trying to find my nitche."

Before you critique his spelling too harshly, remember: B is right next N on the keyboard.

"Sorry, ladies. Taken."

"Wait, none of you knew "Tool" was a band? But I've had this shirt for years and-- oh."

"Now where did I put my 'Tool' shirt? Hey, that would be a good name for a band, too."




"Oh, you wanted to put your peanuts in my mouth. Yeah, sure, that's fine too."

The joke is he looks like Lance Bass.

Come on, I can't be the only one who sees it!

You've chosen curtain number three, and it's... a poorly decorated apartment and an aging hipster boyfriend! Guess you should have stuck with the Tappan range.

Let's Just Do Women in Their Thirties for No Special Reason.

Running out of gimmicks.

Holding back the fury of Hurricane Fred with only her boobs. I know I feel safer.

You lost, honey. Getting in the same pose as the last lady did not help your case.

I love the way she's looking at those flowers, with a combination of slight amusement and deep unease. Like the flowers just made a racist joke.




I know she really wants us to look at her breasts but her forehead is the size of a luxury sedan.




Why is her tiny picture sideways? I already have to squint; don't make me lean.

"... And THIS is my hovel!"

I know she's trying to look sultry, but she just looks like she fell. And that bra strap's really cutting into that shoulder fat, isn't it? Can't be comfortable. Of course, neither is crawling around on the floor.