Critical Mass Index

CMI: Yogi Bear

2010-12-24T12:12:00.000-08:00

YOGI BEAR

Leaving so soon, Ranger Smith? Sit down, take a load off! Boo-boo, turn on my Barry White mixtape.

RANGER SMITH

Um, thanks for the dinner, Yogi, but we don't really know each other well enough to--

Sit your sweetness down, Smith.

I... Okay.

"Yogi Bear is aggressively ... kind. [Y]ou need to fear ... Vengeance."

Jen Yamato

Movies.com

"Yogi Bear can claim all he wants... [H]is latest big-screen incarnation is uncomfortably close... [and] looking... even more satisfying."

Mike Scott

Times-Picayune

"The best that can be said is that it's a 'cute' ... moment when Yogi tells the lovestruck Mr. Ranger ... to urinate on her."

John Beifuss

Commercial Appeal (Memphis, TN)

"Picture Timberlake in the booth recording his lines and you have the best ... icky things popping out of the screen."

Ty Burr

Boston Globe

"[R]eferences to flatulence and urination are made. ... [T]he art of the... mysteries of the gastrointestinal system..., I will happily celebrate."

Brian Orndorf

brianordorf.com

Snark Attack - August 2010

2010-07-26T21:07:00.000-07:00

Putting a theme to this Snark Attack would have been a reach, so it's just a random grab bag, this time around. To make up for that, here's a little game you can play: After reading this first one, try to formulate some sort of pun pertaining to it that uses the words "grab", "bag", "reach" and "around".

"Hi, I'm Kara. I'm a tgirl, or as Billy Joel so eloquently put it, 'She's more than a woman to me.' "

That is disgusting, immoral, revolting and wrong. The title of that song is "She's Always A Woman". The bastardized line he/she "quotes" is never even uttered in the original version of Mr. Billy Joel's masterpiece of popular songwriting, and I take the maximum umbrage on his behalf.

"hey girls..."
Oh, she's a lesbian. Well, that makes me feel safer.

This photo was actually taken in an alternate timeline's 2010. In that world, the only historical events different from are that Hitler never came to power, the nuclear bomb was never invented, and Marilyn Monroe (pictured above) is still alive.

Thank you, nuclear bomb.

"hello there i would like to meet pple..."
...Please to come my Burmese torture palace now!

"Gaaaawwwwwddddddddd I love adrenaline rushes!!!"

Gaaaawwwwwddddddddd, no.

"I am a lady. my brain is good. not just pretty but lovely"

I suppose I'll just have to take her word for it since I can't see that lovely brain of hers.

CMI: Shrek Forever After

2010-05-23T20:06:00.000-07:00

Trust me, you need the 3D glasses.

"Every frame of this film reeks of a project that has been conceived and executed...[.Y]ou’ll pay to see it. ... Fans of all ages deserve ... "Shrek Forever After” ... [.]"

Brian Tallerico

HollywoodChicago.com

"Somewhat clever, heartfelt and much darker than its predecessors, but it's ultimately ... as diverting as it could have been."

Avi Offer

NYC Movie Guru

"After the frantic spurt..., this one inches along with ... the occasional mild ... symptom of the lazy ... trickles across every limp page of this fantastically ... terrific ... story line."
Kyle Smith

New York Post

"[Shrek Forever After] may not be especially funny; it may not have any tremendously compelling reason to exist; the story may be put together like a scarecrow, crudely patched together pieces that keep threatening to fall apart; everybody involved in the cast may sound like they could barely keep their eyes open for the recording session; but by God, it's ... the last one."
Tim Brayton

Film Threat

CMI: The Last Song

2010-04-20T17:12:00.000-07:00

"The Last Song" represents Miley Cyrus' first adult role.

Heaven help us all.

"The Last Song hits the big bong ... early on[.]"

Christopher Smith

Bangor Daily News (Maine)

"The film is engineered to entice... everyone else."

Nick Schager

Slant Magazine

"[J]erked gracelessly and methodically. But this is what you want..., right?"

Eric D. Snider

EricDSnider.com

"Cyrus..., with her... overbite[,] does show off her considerable chops[.]"

Rob Nelson

Variety

"If you laid... Sparks, ... Cyrus, ... and simultaneously ... a surly teen (and piano prodigy) who’s forced to ... with her divorced father Steve (Greg Kinnear), her old keyboard teacher, at his Georgia beachfront home[,] ... while her younger brother Jonah (ultra-cutesy Bobby Coleman) idolizes the old man ..., [t]hen there’s the romance."

Frank Swietek

One Guy's Opinion

"I like Miley Cyrus... packaged[.]"

Roger Ebert

Chicago Sun-Times

CMI: Bounty Hunter

2010-03-29T19:42:00.000-07:00

"Madness?"

"These two characters are so aggressively..., the world would be better off with both of them[.]"

Ethan Alter

NYC Film Critic

"The Bounty Hunter is the caper comedy that keeps on[.]"

Michelle Orange

Movieline

"Yes, it's every bit as... the trailers suggest."

Rene Rodriguez

Miami Herald

"[W]hat I appreciate most, in the end, is simply not cringing."

Michael Phillips

Chicago Tribune

"[I]t[']s welcome[,] and ends up as one of the most... voluted romcoms in recent memory. The lively supporting cast... keep you briefly awake. "

Avi Offer

NYC Movie Guru

"I like Jennifer Aniston, .... her .... junk."

Christopher Tookey

Daily Mail [UK]

CMI: Old Dogs

2009-12-07T05:41:00.000-08:00

"It may be too late for you two, but I'm getting out of this movie while I still have a career! "

"The hell you are, Green! You're gonna be my son in Wild Hogs 2!"

"[T]his... movie pees... comedy."

Matt Stevens

E! Online

"Old Dogs is -- quite simply... filmmaking."

Ken Hanke

Mountain Xpress (Asheville, NC)

"This... comedy tests the limits of... the crotch a movie can show, or an audience can absorb."

Sean Means

Salt Lake Tribune

"[F]ew people are making movies like Old Dogs."

Mick LaSalle

San Francisco Chronicle

"Is any of it believable for even one moment? Of course[.]"

Tom Long

Detroit News

"[E]ndlessly, excruciatingly [f]un-funny [can]non-comedy[.]"

Nell Minow

Beliefnet

"Old Dogs isn't the absolute worst movie[.]"

Ty Burr

Boston Globe

CMI: 2012

2009-11-29T12:18:00.000-08:00

"What? I'm throttling Woody Harrelson. Wouldn't you?"

"It is better that the world ends here, right now[.]"
Brandon Fibbs
BrandonFibbs.com

"[I]t's a disaster gang-bang."
Scott Von Doviak
culturevulture.net

"[A] work of awful efficiency."
Tom Long
Detroit News

"It's pointless to fault '2012'."
Dan Lybarger
eFilmCritic.com

"2012 is so long, and its special effects are at once so outrageous and so thunderously... decent[.]"
Anthony Lane

New Yorker

"An Oscar-caliber cast and dazzling visual effects..., dialogue and... plot points."

Tyler Hanley
Palo Alto Weekly

"'I'm... for this s**t.'"

Mark Ramsey

MovieJuice!

Snark Attack: Newfies

2009-06-30T20:25:00.001-07:00

I just found this aptly named land, and here are its finest. Enjoy.

Most human men would question the wisdom a woman photographing herself from an angle which makes her cheekbones appear larger than her breasts... but she's not out to impress human males...

Her target audience.

You know what's really scary? The door she's standing in front of is the only way out of that room.

Sorry, boys. Taken.

"What do you mean, 'What am I doing on a dating site?' I just want to find someone to... oh, you're looking at the suit and the flowers and the woman who has been entirely cropped out except for her hand -- you think I'm getting marr--? Ha ha! No, no, no. This is... something else. Something else entirely. So... where you from?"

The Canadian Special Forces:
You can't even tell that they've been covertly operating in southern New Mexico since 9/11.
Neither can they.
They think it is Afghanistan.
They do not speak Spanish.

...and hating it.

Heyyyyy... wait a minute...!
Those two huge things on her chest...?

Those can't be her real hands!

CMI: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

2009-06-30T20:07:00.000-07:00

"Seriously, though. Which ones are we? Am I Optimus? Mega-thon? *sighs* Our models are so freakin' complex."
"But you can see every penny of the CGI."
"You got that right,... Blur? Starblebee? Unicorn?"
"I really couldn't tell you. We all seem to be gunmetal gray."
"Then screw it. You're Blur."

"Critics blithely refer to movies... all the time, but this is the real deal."
Eugene Novikov
AMCtv.com

"[T]he script (credited to Ehren Kruger, Robert Orci, and Alex Kurtzman) was written in serial-novel form during an all-night mescaline bender... I have... evidence."

Christopher Orr

New Republic

"The special effects are better and the dialogue slightly more humorous than in the first movie, but the anti-Arab subtext is [unfortunately, only]... PG-13."

Andrea Gronvall

Chicago Reader

"Boasts... visuals, sound effects and editing, ...action sequences... thrills and a plot filled with... logic... that leaves you feeling ...whelmed."
Avi Offer
NYC Movie Guru

"This sequel is just masturbation."
Jeff Bayer
The Scorecard Review

"It's a wad of... big screen... machismo".

David Cornelius

eFilmCritic.com

"It is... cinematic ejaculation."
Brent Simon
Shared Darkness

Kennessuckey Bluenuts

2009-04-21T20:06:00.000-07:00

Can you spot the Kentuckians in this mostly Tennesseean lineup?* Or perhaps, more pertinently, will you bother?

"A camera?! Here??!!!"

Dewey Defeats Woman.

How could any man turn down the thought of more passionate kisses like this one?

"Yessssssssssssssssssssss, I'm going to drink the whole thing. This pitcher is my date tonight. Leave."

"C'mon. Whaddya say, eh? C'moooooooonnn. Ehhh? Ehhhhhhhhh??"

Hypnosis does not work over the internet. Nice try, though.

Eight inches of neckline and a millimeter of cleavage; at this point even the type of man she's trying to attract is more interested in her personality.

I know she's winking and I know it's ageist to say this, but if she doesn't close her other eye completely people are just going to think she's having a stroke.

*It was those last two.

CMI: Madea Goes To Jail

2009-03-02T12:58:00.000-08:00

Tyler Perry as the title character (right, licking fingers), eats a meal with a black person

"The women's prison dramedy I wanted."
Wesley Morris
Boston Globe

"It is, in short, ... humour."
Jim Slotek
Jam! Movies

"Two movies for the price of one[!] ... [T]he comedy smashed against the drama makes the whole thing... entertaining."
Jackie K. Cooper
jackiekcooper.com

"Roger Ebert's tsunami of racism... is more than sporadically amusing.... Perry's film benefits."
Rob Humanick
Slant Magazine

"Once again, Perry has concocted... what he feels reasonably safe in assuming they want...[:] B.O., ...exactly what they do indeed desire. "
Joe Leydon
Variety

"[E]verything Madea says is gold, ... the storyline will literally stop so we can hear the crazed crone go off for no particular reason. [Hooray!]"
Bill Gibron
Filmcritic.com

Full disclosure: Photo captions are now being outsourced to India. Amazingly, it is cheaper than doing it myself. The firm I've contracted is so well reputed I don't even read the captions anymore. Jai ho!

Goodnight, You Princes of Maine, You Kings of New England

2009-02-25T18:03:00.000-08:00

Since the economy has lost as many jobs as it would have if the state of Maine had somehow sunk into the ocean like a really Protestant lost continent of Atlantis, this time HoNSA (I'm abbreviating it now) goes to The Forgotten State (actual motto) and trawls up a lobster pot full of frigid Nor'Eastern beefcake. Also, I really wanted to use that Cider House Rules quote for the title.

And in case any of you are wondering why it's been mostly women up until now, it's because men are skewered SO much more effectively at the Why Women Hate Men Blog.

And because none of the women will date me.

"Trying to find my nitche."

Before you critique his spelling too harshly, remember: B is right next N on the keyboard.

"Sorry, ladies. Taken."

"Wait, none of you knew "Tool" was a band? But I've had this shirt for years and-- oh."

"Now where did I put my 'Tool' shirt? Hey, that would be a good name for a band, too."

"Oh, you wanted to put your peanuts in my mouth. Yeah, sure, that's fine too."

The joke is he looks like Lance Bass.

Come on, I can't be the only one who sees it!

You've chosen curtain number three, and it's... a poorly decorated apartment and an aging hipster boyfriend! Guess you should have stuck with the Tappan range.

Let's Just Do Women in Their Thirties for No Special Reason.

2009-02-01T18:40:00.000-08:00

Running out of gimmicks.

Holding back the fury of Hurricane Fred with only her boobs. I know I feel safer.

You lost, honey. Getting in the same pose as the last lady did not help your case.

I love the way she's looking at those flowers, with a combination of slight amusement and deep unease. Like the flowers just made a racist joke.

I know she really wants us to look at her breasts but her forehead is the size of a luxury sedan.

Why is her tiny picture sideways? I already have to squint; don't make me lean.

"... And THIS is my hovel!"

I know she's trying to look sultry, but she just looks like she fell. And that bra strap's really cutting into that shoulder fat, isn't it? Can't be comfortable. Of course, neither is crawling around on the floor.

Snark Attack!

2008-11-28T14:30:00.000-08:00

At first,I hadn't seen anything funny about this picture, though I did notice what I perceived to be a melancholic, far-away look in her eyes--a false smile, beneath eyes that seemed poised to surrender to tears. I was touched, for a moment, and reconsidered my heartless, Ricklesian hobby of internet mockery. And I had clicked past this one until I realized that, when this photo was taken. this chick was already halfway through an entire pitcher of booze.

I'd have had a far-away look, too.

This is not "stripperobics". She is the world's stupidest fireman. And now she's paralyzed.

"------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ very good "

"Very good"? Did we pass some sort of test? Not being attracted to you? What do we win?

"I love to exercise and be active and hope to find someone who values this as i do."

What a polite way to say "no fatties".

"am just a simple girl and am looking the better part of me "

Her "Better part"? Judging by the musculature on this particular woman, that would be her penis.

CMI: Twilight

2008-11-28T13:49:00.000-08:00

"...with ranch dressing and a diet Coke. So what are you having, Edward?"

"Yeah, I don't think you understand the concept of 'vampire' yet."

"The film adaptation of Twilight isn't nearly... bad."
Tim Brayton
Antagony & Ecstasy

"Is it worth seeing? Is it any good? Does it matter what's written or said? The answer is... certainly."
Wilson Morales
BlackFilm.com

"OMG -- I'm so totally... a teenage girl."
Kevin Williamson
Jam! Movies

"It's like an actual grownup movie, all serious and important."
MaryAnn Johanson
Flick Filosopher

"[A]lso... balls."
Pete Vonder Haar
Film Threat

CMI: Eagle Eye

2008-09-30T11:59:00.000-07:00

"Uh, no, we were just... Okay... Yeah, I got it, I... Oh wait, what? ... Really? ... But it smells so bad and there's all this hair... No, all over... And you still want me to--? ... With my mouth?! ... *sigh* All right... No, it's okay... Love you, too. Bye."

"Eagle Eye promises to blow your mind..., but my mind was already blown."

Gary Thompson
Philadelphia Daily News

"I actually feel a little dirty... about this one. "

Jeff Bayer
The Scorecard Review

"The Amish would love it[!]"

Jeffrey Lyles
Gazette (MD)

"Should this film be a huge box office success, it will stand as a... testament to how... the bar for cinematic entertainment has been set."

James Berardinelli
ReelViews

"I was waiting for Will Smith to pop up."

Kevin McCarthy
WJFK-FM (CBS Radio)

"The fever-pitch paranoia of this terrorist thriller, the seizure-inducing editing, the dense layers slapped on a fairly simple plot all point to... money."

Roger Moore
Orlando Sentinel

"[I]t is like being in a blender."

Laura Clifford
Reeling Reviews

CMI: Babylon A.D.

2008-09-03T12:32:00.000-07:00

Future's so bleak I gotta wear shades.

"[B]iblical proportions."

Michael Rechtshaffen Hollywood Reporter

"I found myself sorta not hating it[.]"

MaryAnn Johanson
Flick Filosopher

"Babylon A.D. isn't the worst big-budget sci-fi film ever made[.]"

Rob Vaux
Mania.com

"[N]ever less than watchable[!]"

Matthew Turner
ViewLondon

"Babylon A.D. is a... sci-fi melodrama... of excitement or intelligence[.]"

Todd Gilchrist
IGN Movies

"You know what? I like Vin Diesel."

Linda Cook
Quad City Times (Davenport, IA)

CMI: The Rocker

2008-08-20T18:32:00.000-07:00

Why so serious?

Elizabeth Weitzman

New York Daily News

"[T]he audience and the cast... deserve... the movie[.]"

Tom Long

Detroit News

"It sort of gurgles[.]"

Nick Schager

Slant Magazine

"A wealth of creative talent can't alter the fact that Rocker is ... fun[.]"

Owen Gleiberman

Entertainment Weekly

"[H]ow... it rips[!]"

Tom Long

Detroit News
"[T]his is essentially a film[.]"

Snark Attack! - Canadian Coeds

2008-08-15T15:28:00.000-07:00

Beer in one hand... and the less said about the other hand, the better.

...on the inside.

"hi"

"Hi, my name is Doug..."
'...and you will never find me.'

CMI: Clone Wars

2008-08-15T14:42:00.000-07:00

Of course, with his aim, he'll end up impregnating Yoda.

"George Lucas is turning into... fun."

Owen Gleiberman

Entertainment Weekly

"[T]here are... almost... performances, some tin... and a few moments of corn[.]"

Jeff Vice

Deseret News, Salt Lake City

"There's still plenty of fun to be had...[;] it never escapes.... So long as you don't approach it..., you'll stand a better chance of enjoying it."

Jim Hall

Channel 4 Film

"Ziro is the most.... He’s also the best[.]"

Tom Huddlestone

Time Out

"George Lucas' desire to suck... has led to a roaring... afterthought."

Dustin Putman

TheMovieBoy.com

"[T]he finest.... underpants released this[.]"

David Frese

Kansas City Star

CMI: Mamma Mia!

2008-07-24T11:48:00.000-07:00

"So let me get this straight: We've ALL boned Meryl Streep's character? Even the kid? Even the half-black guy in the all-bad suit? EVEN COLIN FIRTH?!"

Tim Brayton
Antagony & Ecstasy

"There might not be anything as utterly... fun[.]"

Brian Tallerico
Movie Retriever

"[I]t's kind of an impressive mess."

Elizabeth Weitzman
New York Daily News

"The costumes look..., the choreography is..., and the cinematography's... real[.]"

J. R. Jones
Chicago Reader

"The year's most aggressive chick[s]... score... irresistibly.... [L]ike peaches in cottage cheese. "

Kevin McCarthy
WJFK-FM (CBS Radio)

"I honestly wanted to be a 'Dancing Queen'."

Andrea Chase
Killer Movie Reviews

"[L]ike cotton candy, unsubstantial, brightly colored, way too sweet, and ultimately... meaningful.... Plus it might just make you just[.]"

Joseph Proimakis
Movies for the Masses

"Haritomeno kai akros diaskedastiko panigyri elahistopoiimenis kinimatografikotitas, me aboli skinothesia periorismenis horografikis kai allis dimioyrgikotitas, se koyrastika kleisto optiko pedio (logiko, gia na pantreyontai to miso stoyntiako plastiko yli."

World's Most Accurate Search Engine!

2008-07-04T17:37:00.001-07:00

I only cropped it. No other Photoshopping has been done.

Someone in the Charleston County Public Library System must have a sense of humor. They'll need it, since they certainly don't have a job, anymore.

CMI: Get Smart

2008-07-01T15:28:00.000-07:00

Crap, the movie found us.

"...an... amalgam of slapstick comedy, ...romance and, most desperately, rampaging action."

Kurt Loder

MTV

"There are numerous airplane stunt sequences, explosions and gunfights...(that) fatally bleed the character[s]...."

Steve Crum

Video-Reviewmaster.com

"Combining dull action-movie elements, badly cast movie stars and an uncomfortable romance, Get Smart has... all... its TV roots and most of the humor. "

Adam Fendelman

HollywoodChicago.com

Get Smart [is] funny. And the action scenes [are] thrilling enough to make up for the [certainly, not the word 'lack'] of laughter."

Brian Tallerico

The Deadbolt

CMI: Sex And The City

2008-06-11T09:29:00.000-07:00

The critics may not know art, but they know what they like: Sex.
Also, the city.
And the television show and movie Sex And The City!

He's the "Sex".

"I spent most of the film's 148 minutes just wanting to [...] these women."

Beth Accomando

KPBS.org

"I walked into the theatre hoping for a nice evening and came out[.]"

Anthony Lane

New Yorker

"[F]eels like watching... shoe love[.]"

Carol Cling

Las Vegas Review-Journal

"Sex... good."

Matt Stephens

E! Online

CMI: Don't Mess With The Zohan

2008-06-08T20:00:00.000-07:00

Slight formatting change! Easier to read? No? Who cares? It's easier to compile.

I don't know what's going on here. Some sort of Jew shot put, apparently.

"Judd Apatow continues his quest to... comedy... through it."

Tony Medley

Tolucan Times

"[I]t really isn't stupid..."

Kevin Carr

Film School Rejects

"[O]ther ideas...were rejected in favor of this one, on the grounds of being too lame."

Moira MacDonald

Seattle Times

"Flabby,... thinly-covered penises[.]"

James Berardinelli

ReelViews

"There are almost enough... oversized penis[es]."

Sean Burns

Philadelphia Weekly

"[T]he movie... exists only to display the Sandler's [deliciously lickable] biceps."

Stephen Hunter

Washington Post

"A 2-hour opus of sex, sex, sex, sex, sex and more sex."

Willie Waffle

WaffleMovies.com

CMI: What Happens In Vegas

2008-05-27T08:47:00.000-07:00

Another CMI - finally. When I started it I kinda thought there'd be a never-ending supply of crappy movies, but only recently has this one garenered enough ire to present a full slate of heavily edited humor. CMI Presents: What Happens In Vegas.

So... it's a vampire movie?

Richard Corliss of TIME Magazine reminisces:

"What Happens in Vegas... is... very likely in living memory."

Carla Meyer of the Sacramento Bee comments:

"...[T]his film often seems improvised, and... in a good way.... [S]ome jokes... get set up at all."

Lou Lumenick of the New York Post slobbers:

"[S]everal gags are built around the name 'Dick Banger'."

Eric D. Snider of Film.com gushes:

"I didn't want to claw my eyes out[.]"

Dustin Putman, TheMovieBoy.com stutters:

[I]t... seem sophisticated by comparison."

Snark Attack!

2008-04-30T18:56:00.000-07:00

I'm an altruistic, spiritual, friendly, warm, smiling and - the most important - very dishonest girl.

At least she's honest about that. I think.

F**k Dane Cook. This chick just gave the entire internet the real Super-Finger.
Actually, you know what? Scratch that last bit. Just f**k Dane Cook.

A self-described "filthy" Jew from the land of Borat (which probably explains her low self-esteem, given the Jew-Killing Festivals shown in that scrupulously truthful docudrama)
I once fell off a bus. And a boat. This is not cool. But I think i'm awesome! love you bitch!
No, this isn't cool. Not cool at all.

I'm not saying anything. Make the comparison for yourself.

One of them is Edna Mode. I have no idea which anymore.

now in my thirties. If you care,please do not hesitate to talk to me.
...Before it's too late?

CMI: 88 Minutes

2008-04-20T19:25:00.000-07:00

Shut the damn door! I'm on the john, here, you fockin' cocka-roach! HOO-AH!

Bob Bloom, Journal and Courier (Lafayette, IN) mumbles,

"88 Minutes" is one of those thrillers in which characters seem to run all over the place and talk a lot on cell phones."

Joshua Tyler, CinemaBlend.com dithers,
"It's a... movie... worth reviewing let alone seeing."

Liz Braun, Jam! Movies admits,

"The...writing, directing, editing, acting, continuity, makeup and cinematography, for starter[s]... are fairly extensive."

Philip Martin, Arkansas Democrat-Gazette effuses,

"[I]t is mildly entertaining to see...."

Josh Larsen, LarsenOnFilm breathlessly mouths,
"Pacino never looks very frazzled....He only gets louder."

Just When I Think I'm Out

2008-04-19T09:01:00.000-07:00

They pulled me back in! I just had to do another Hot Or Not Snark-Attack (that's what I'm calling Images of Desperance now). And praise Allah, folks, 'cause for this edition all the ladies are from the cradle and grave of civilization: the Middle (or Near, depending on who you ask and how close you want to get) East.
First off is a girl from the schizo republic of Turkey, a nation which wanted to get in the Snark-Attack European Edition but, to quote the Prime Minister of Denmark, "FAT CHANCE, RAG HEADS!"*

"I hate men with long hair. I hate ugly, stupid and poor people.. I am beautiful, fun and smart."

I'd have to take issue with the "beautiful" and "fun" self-descriptors. First of all, unless Big Bird turns you on, that beak is a definite minus. As for "fun", I can't imagine a that a woman whose first statement to any potential suitors is one of intense hatred for those born less fortunate than herself (except in the hair department) is really all that "fun". Hell, even "smart" is up for debate; a chick with a nose like hers should NOT have posted a photo of herself in profile. And her only keyword? "Alcohol".

This was the very next Turk to appear:

"just looking for a gentile man."

Most Jewish girls don't flat-out admit it like that. Also, most Jewish girls aren't Turkish, but at this point I don't think being Jewish is all that important to her.

Iraq

This next girl, well, you can't see her face, but apparently you don't need to. Just look at the bullets hanging off that gun. The implication is that you should click Yes, or she will murder you, your family and your friends, and still have bullets left for your pet and a bullet party with her homies. Of course if you DO click Yes, she'll still imprison you, hook you up to a car battery, put you in a naked pyramid and point at your junk while she laughs. Then the fun will end, and the interrogations will begin.

"Hey! I am Tippy."

Damn right.

Israel

Finally, some Israelis, the white sheep of the middle east. Sure they have representative government and the Bomb, but they're no less crazy than their Arab cousins. Really, they're cousins. It's in the Bible! Read the whole thing, then tell me it's not in there.

"looking for a real love with a nobleman is it you?....(:"

First off, you can tell she's Hebrew because she writes her smilies from right to left. Either that or she's unhappy and has two moles on her chin. And frankly, no offense to her, but I can't think of any noblemen in any of the world's remaining monarchies who couldn't do a lot better than 35-year-old computer teacher.

And last off, a woman who REEEEEEEAAAAAAALLLLLYYYY questions your masculinity right off the bat.

"Don't cha wish your girlfriend was girl like me..."

If my girlfriend wasn't a girl already, what makes you think I'd be interested one now?

*The opinions expressed by the Prime Minister of Denmark are his own. Please don't kill... me. And I think he has guards, so, you know, jihad at your own risk.

CMI Goes To The Prom

2008-04-18T12:16:00.000-07:00

No, the killer isn't the tiara, nor does he use tiaras to kill people. It stars the man with most unnecessary H's in his name, Johnathon Schaech, as the killer. He's got a history of playing villains. You may remember him as Judas Iscariot in a TV movie, or as the lead singer in That Thing You Do, who was moderately disinterested in his girlfriend which totally justified her getting birddogged by the Tom Hanks-wannabe main character. The critics loved this one, showering it with secret, clandestine praise, hidden in extremely hateful, caustic reviews. I have, once again, deciphered their true feelings about this film from their so-called "negative" reviews.

Mark Ramsey of MovieJuice howls into the night:
"This movie accomplishes the impossible: It makes you... not... be disappointed...."

Ken Hanke of the Asheville, NC Mountain Express philosophizes:
"It's... sex through a blanket. "

The Boston Globe's Wesley Morris pleads:
"There's... perversity.... [J]ust please make it soon. "

Scott Tobias of the Onion AV Club stutters:
"There's really... twists, ...atmosphere, ...big Grand Guignol setpieces, ...a single moment when it tries to do something novel. "

Brian Orndorf of BrianOrndorf.com whispers gently into your ear:
" The new Prom Night is insistently... simply being...."

Alex Markerson of E! Online proffers:
"This may not be one of the worst films of all time..."

CMI: Superhero Movie

2008-03-29T17:39:00.000-07:00

Underpants? Hilarious! That must be why this movie got such amazing reviews!

Ken Fox of TV Guide's Movie Guide raves:

"Writer-director and Scary Movie vet Craig Mazin's script is so ... even remotely funny."

A.O. Scott of the New York Times expectorates:

"To call Superhero Movie a satire, or even a parody, of the genre specified in its title would be ... this."

J. R. Jones of the Chicago Reader exclaims:

"The gags are[,] consistently...."

Eric D. Snider of Film.com orates:
"It's rather ..., actually ... very funny, and ... amusing for more than a few moments at a time, but ..., either."

Josh Larsen of LarsenOnFilm vomits with glee:
"Pamela Anderson appears for 15 seconds ... she's pretty ...."

Images of Douche-sperance

2008-03-14T16:40:00.000-07:00

So I don't look like some sort of bitter misogynist, here's an Images of Desperance with the long-awaited DUDES! After that I may very well end this, since it doesn't really fit in with the whole "Critical Mass Index" theme and it's probably very illegal. Besides, you have no idea how weird it felt clicking through Hot or Not with a nothing but a bunch of dudes popping up. I felt... dirty. Anyway, I should probably call it Images of Douchebags, but the meta tags would get me visitors from all sort of unsavory searches. Visitors... like this guy:

"Just love big female butts. well all female butts, well to be honest, all female body parts just let me pleasure you!! *wink*"

Apparently sending us his image from a black-and-white Tron universe, his blurb continues with some pointless drivel about life to the fullest or something, but if any woman has read past this part she doesn't really care about his shallow philosophies. She's too busy laughing her enormous ass off. Next is a fellow who's apparently more cultured than West Virginia would suggest.

Vote for Pedro--oh, wait, I dissolved the representative government and crowned myself Emperor--never vote again! Ladies and gentlemen, it's Napoleon Firefight. The joke is, his hand's in his jacket, like Napoleon, and he's a firefighter. You know how Napoleon had his hand in his jacket in those old portraits? Nevermind, the joke was more tenuous than the life of a politician during the reign of the Directory. Hey-oh! Not funny? Fine. That's the last revolutionary-period French joke, I swear. This next guy, I hope he never sees this webpage or discovers where I live.

Apparently he wasn't even finished teleporting in from the Nightmare Zone when this picture was taken. His eyes are still aflame with the fires of the Blood Reaches, and he still wields his standard issue Nightmarine assault rifle. The mock turtleneck, however, he brought himself.

It seems Russia hasn't completely given up communism. Their bachelors seem to share a single look they all stole from Zoolander:

Redshirt's blurb is particularly creepy. He says:

"if you interesting, I shall tell about itself and russia"

It puts the lotion on its skin, then it TELLS YOU ABOUT RUSSIA!

2008-03-13T18:35:00.000-07:00

Originally posted on Xanga 3/18/2008

I love [brackets] and ellipses... because you can insert [or remove] anything you want to from a quote taken out of context and still "technically" be in the clear, as long as you credit the source. So, in the spirit of absolute plagiarism, I introduce a new feature to my blog: "Critical Mass Index". To start it off, I figure I'd use review blurbs from what may well be the worst-reviewed movie of the year (and I'm including the whole rest of the year to come, too): Roland Emmerich's "10,000 BC". By way of introduction, here's a completely unaltered quote from the Monty Python's Terry Gilliam:

"It's:"

Critical Mass Index

OK, now imagine the Tim Allen "Home Improvement" grunt. EEEUUUEHHHGGHH?

Ken Hancke of the Asheville, NC Mountain Express raves:
"Sets new standards for...movies[!]"

Dustin Putman of TheMovieBoy.com shouts:
10,000 B.C. is...pretty....The film is...something that...should...be.

Lou Lumenick of the New York Post exclaims:
"...[H]umans are..., the dialogue is..., and anyone expecting a repeat of the action in 300 is going to be...adventure."

Jan Stewart of Newsday ejaculates:
"An epic adventure of such towering testosterone counts and ceaseless ... hair...[!]"

Keith Phipps of The Onion AV Club proclaims:
"Emmerich knows how to fill the screen with...it."

Chris Hewitt of the St. Paul Pioneer Press interrupts:
"10,000 B.C. is a movie...."

2008-03-13T18:33:00.000-07:00

Originally posted on Xanga 2/28/2008

Time for another plunge into the depths of internet dating desperation. Hold your nose! (All names are made up.)

Meredith

My husband is going through his midlife crisis and doesn't know what he wants!!! Right now I'm looking for friends, but who knows where that might lead??

For God's sake, SKIRT DOWN!!

Pam

This one weirds me out. That is NOT a come-hither look. That is a terrifying leer, a sickening stare into the very heart of the viewer. That's what her look says to me. That or, "Hey, it's tits! Eh? What more do you want? WHAT?? I HAVE NOTHING ELSE!"

Joan

HI, i am 42 years of age, but don't look or act it.

No, you look it.

Beverly

"Wanna come back to my place?"she says. "Of course, it's just a little hole-in-the-wall."
You laugh, politely, thinking she's not serious. Take a swig of your drink, say, "Sure thing, baby," then go home to her FILTHY HOVEL with her FOUR CHILDREN and her HUSBAND! Congratulations, you got DATE-PWNED!

Ping

I FEAR ONLY GOD,HONEST IS NON NEGIOTIABLE

Ooooooooookay. Well, now I fear you.

Ursula

I only included this one because of the weird, seemingly artificial shading going on at the bottom of the photo. What exactly is going on down there that she doesn't want us to see? "Eyes on the boobies! Pay no attention to the horrors that lurk below!"

Teena

I am 5.5height, 23yrs.old and I weigh 50 lb.

So, does she want a date or a meal?

Katya

I wish to meet especial the man.

So, I suppose that's Especial the cat?

Vladmir

I am single russian woman?

Well, if you don't know I'm not going to risk it.

Wirma

Iam nice and kind woman,I like life of all worm

Nuff said.

Madeline

I am divorced but I hope to find a man for serious relations.

She's not kidding around. That smile is just for courtesy. The actual relations will be joyless, uncomfortable, and in every other way completely Russian.

2008-03-13T18:32:00.000-07:00

Originally posted on Xanga 5/7/2007

"I hate lie and betray, and I'll never let them come to my home."

That's an actual quote from her profile. Either she's a sociopath, or she really needs to master the arts of punctuation;

"So lonely here hey need someone to talk not a pervert or sexmaniac."

Amazingly enough, for her purposes, the Internet is actually better than Thailand.
Also, that is WAY too much food for her. I'm sorry, but it is.

I'll see you next time!

Dun-unt-dunh!
(that's the Reading Rainbow music)

2008-03-13T18:31:00.001-07:00

Originally posted on Xanga, 4/21/2007

First off, this chick, who I'm sure is a very nice person, looks just like Elton John. Observe:

Sorry for not resizing them. I'm HTML-tarded.

2008-03-13T18:20:00.000-07:00

Originally posted on Xanga 4/23/2006

Images of Desperance - Numbuh Too!

I know she's trying to look sexy - as if she just finished mud wrestling with another chick, or something, but am I the only one who thinks it look like she got seasick on herself? And I love her quote:

":) HOW U DOIN YEA U THE 1 LOOKIN CLICK YES 2 MEET IF U THINK YA CAN HANDLE IT IM JUST HERE 4 A GUD TIME!! :) CHAT SOON L8A DUDES"
If you single out the numbers, each subsequent one doubles the one before it. It's like that DaVinci Code.

Next is Fridget

"love getting drunk and experimenting with new people!"
And I imagine they'd have to be pretty drunk.

Finally, Victoria's Secret...

This one terrified me. "Victoria" needs to keep some secrets. And bury them. Then, centuries later, Indiana Jones finds them, realizes that they are awful, and buries them again. Fifty years after that, Lara Croft finds them, kills some guys, and drops the secret in a pit of black acid for all time. That's what should have happened to this photo.

I include the links so you can hook up with any of these fine ladies at your own pleasure... Greg.

2008-03-13T17:50:00.000-07:00

Originally posted on Xanga 4/5/2006

These are women whose pics and profiles I've lifted from HotOrNot.com. The links are there, so since you can go see it at the site I'm guessing it's not violating copyright law, or if it is then not too badly. Before someone notes that they're all women right now, don't worry: I'm going to do men eventually... wait, that didn't come out right... wait, I didn't mean "come out" like... nevermind.
Anyway, these are women who in a world past would be spinsters, old maids, and crochety old ladies who lost, couldn't find, or couldn't buy, a man; but today they are taking charge of their futures by posting unflattering images and brief, yet thoroughly unengaging biographies of themselves on a public website and thereby ensuring that they remain proud, confident, and alone in a new era where middle-aged women can... do... stuff.
I'm not positing that I'm better than these people -- far from it! These... are my people. My sisters and brothers. And although I obviously wouldn't physically touch any of them with a ten-foot pole (and I'm certain the feeling is mutual), I feel them. Emotionally. With a five-foot emotional pole. So, without further ado:

Images of Desperance
(some names have been completely made up)

First in our gallery is Sara. There isn't much I can say about dear Sara that she doesn't say for herself.

"Hi. I'm Sara, and I'm separated from my husband of 17 years because he left me for a man."

Self-described "bi-fem" Lisa has found an interesting method for coping with men's rapidly fading interest in her:

"I like ladies very much!"

Lisa's motto is, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!" Our final entry illustrates that point even more clearly. Here, in all hir glory, is a lady I like to call "Frank."

"I am a woman with a past. (No shit, Frank.)
I am a post operative mtf transgender. That means that I am now physically the woman I always was in heart and soul. And I am willing to love and be loved by someone capable of understanding this." (Good luck.)

Doesn't he look like just a little like Robin WIlliams? It's like Mrs. Doubtfire TO THE EXTREME.

Well, you've squandered a few minutes reading this. Remember, when you're between relationships, that you damn well better settle on a partner (or a gender) before it's too late. Sure, you may get stuck with an awful person you don't love, but consider the alternative...

Yeah, I'd flip a coin for it too.

FIRSTIES!

2008-03-13T17:46:00.001-07:00

This blog is going to be where I post all the funny things from my other blog, and any funny things I write in the future. Of course that's not all, or it would incredibly short, and whoever said 'brevity is the soul of wit' was secretly Francis Bacon so who gives a crap what he says, am I right? Stay tuned, I'll be moving old stuff over soon.